Just an uh-uhmm moment

I’m sitting here, waiting for a long distance call. Or a secret smile maybe…a look…some form of contact…. I’ve been waiting for quite a while.It would be unfair to call myself lonely…unfair because…I have everything…I am lonely, not because I am alone….just dissatisfied I guess….I don’t know why really….I’d rather not delve into too many philosophical thoughts. Okay, forget that I’m lonely. I am not.

You see, sometimes I feel as if I’m this really deep, philosophical person…but I’m not, to be honest with you. I am a cheap materialist…I am happy with “things”, so to speak. I am also…very self-absorbed. I like thinking only about myself. I am not a very interesting person in the eyes of other people though. ‘Boring’, is the word I’m looking for. But I wish they could see more than what they saw…I wish I could let them enter my imaginary world….now that, is interesting…really, it is. I wish I could tell a person, who thought I was really boring, ‘hop aboard…see what it is really like.’ But then I’d hesitate…I’m not too sure….will he really like it? Is it really that good? I’m never too sure about anything. Do something…if you ever meet me….don’t ask me about the weather…’cause I won’t be sure about that either.

Hey, you know what I really like? I like roller coasters. All sorts of roller coasters. I like the way you move so fast, that you don’t know where you’re going to be next….but at the same time, you’re tied up so securely, you know you’ll never fall…it’s the happiest, most exhilarating feeling of all. I wish I owned all the roller coasters in the world, and never had to queue up when I wanted to ride them. I’d feel the wind in my face, that light feeling in my gut, the fast beat of my heart against my rib cage, the adrenaline rush…I swear, I would never tire of it.Know what I don’t like? I don’t like it when people say “Life is like a roller coaster ride”…meaning, life has its ups and downs. And the people who say it, some of them, man, they haven’t even been on a roller coaster ….it just gets me mad. I know there is no sound logic behind my anger…but I just hate phrases like that. As if people know everything about life by the time they are twenty-six. I think, the only time people should talk about life, and huge philosophical theories, is when they are just about to die…when they have seen as much as they could….I mean no-one ever sees everything…even if he lives to be a hundred and twenty six. Why, some people who see me everyday, haven’t seen me at all. See what I’m getting at?

Any-way. I’ll let you in on a secret. My biggest fear. People. If there’s one thing that I’m really, really scared of, its people. It’s not easy being a human being, I tell you. I’d much rather be stuck in Siberia with a hungry polar bear for company. But I know what you’re thinking. Why would I look for any form of contact, if I were scared of people? Umm…I’m not sure. I guess isolation is not good for me. If you noticed, I had a polar bear with me in Siberia. I need someone. Always. Real, or imaginary. I need. I’m a needy, needy being. And I’m human too…a baffling structure of contradictions, lies, arteries and veins. Also, scary. Yeah…I scare me. Did I tell you I hate mirrors? I hate mirrors. Man, I hate them. I also hate cold, dark rooms…cold, dark rooms are also like mirrors….you get to see inside yourself when you’re in a cold dark room. And that can be…scary. But I have to admit…I enjoy the fear once in a while. You didn’t think fear could be enjoyed did you? But it can be. Honestly, it can.